The Bachelor Season-Finale Recap: Villain Era

Not to be a Flat Earther, but all of our conspiracy theories about this finale were proven correct, right? Kaity won in perfectly vanilla fashion, Ariel knew nothing during last week’s rose ceremony, and Zach explicitly told Gabi to keep their tryst a secret, knowing full well he was about to discuss their sex life with one Jesse Palmer (and the rest of Bachelor Nation). I have a corkboard marked up with red string, and all the signs are pointing to one extremely sweaty 26-year-old: Zachary “Mowgli” Shallcross.

At the beginning of this season, it seemed like Zach was trying to avoid getting the big head that naturally springs from the male leads of these things, but by avoiding drama, he actually just inflamed it. Last week was the ultimate display of this; he was Icarus, with the producers holding tiny candles they stole from the nudist spa under his wings. If you’re the lead, your best shot at making it out of The White Lotus alive isn’t to run away from the drama — it’s to position a villain well enough so the heat never gets onto you. But Zach, who admits he used to tattle on himself as a kid, obviously couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even stand to see a villain emerge for more than an episode. So he became his own villain — not because he was too stupid to avoid it (cough, cough, Clayton), but because he needed to remain in control of a show that has, over the past 20 years, proved to be inherently uncontrollable.

Do we all feel satisfied? Probably not right now. Gabi’s been slut-shamed, and she could barely get out two words because she kept her lips so tightly pursed the entire episode. Ariel basically shot Zach with lasers from her eyeballs and she’s not any closer to becoming the Bachelorette. If Kaity and Zach can move into that Austin house in the sky, I think we will be satisfied, eventually. Gabi and Ariel will get their redemption arcs on Paradise. We’ll all move onto Charity’s fiasca and this whole thing will become a Clayton-shaped dream. Frankly, I’m just happy we have a couple to root for who aren’t already broken up, or cheating, or doing Dancing With the Stars to avoid their fiancé’s blackface scandal.

Also in this finale, Mike Fleiss let Sean Lowe out of his enclosure and we got enough shower jokes to ruin the bit completely. (Have they been reading my recaps …?) Let’s get into it.

This is about to be three hours. I’m already exhausted. Jesse doesn’t even bother with the whole “most dramatic finale ever” shtick, because this could be the first time since Peter Weber that a Bachelor gets engaged, and I really didn’t need to hear that statistic. He also pauses a moment to honor the victims of the Nashville shooting, but that moment lasts approximately 0.1 seconds because, apparently, we have too much to contain in Three. Hours. Of Content.

First, it’s time to see how much Ariel mothers. She comes out wearing white, she’s got the Ariana Grande hair, and the Twitter girls and gays are already eating this up. But she doesn’t stop there: Ariel verbally slaps Zach in the face. No, she wouldn’t have had sex with him even if given the opportunity, and also, why did she find out he slept with Gabi along with the rest of America? Obviously she handled the rose ceremony with grace and poise and charm, but why should she have to? Zach gives his boilerplate answer, which is that he regrets the way he handled Sex Week and he should have never set an ultimatum like that. Ariel obviously gets the final word, which is that she hopes Zach learns from this experience. Jesse basically doesn’t even need to emcee this section because Ariel just took over and turned this into a therapy session. Zach, I hope you’re taking notes.

Back in Thailand, Zach takes his sixth shower and contemplates how many images of his nipples exist on the internet. Actually, he’s thinking about introducing Kaity and Gabi to his family, which regretfully doesn’t include Kronk. Gabi, fresh off ruminating while standing ankle-deep in the pool of the Sofitel Krabi, is going first. Zach tells his family that he immediately had a spark with Gabi (don’t remember that) and that she’s confident in their relationship. (Can’t say that’s true, either!) Are we talking about the same girl? Before she meets his family, Gabi pulls Zach for a chat, because what was all that about regretting her at the rose ceremony yesterday? Zach clarifies that he didn’t regret her, he just regretted his actions. He doesn’t regret Carnival’s all-you-can-eat brunch buffet, he just regrets eating it. We’re all going to end up vomiting over the side of the cruise ship by the end of this.

Gabi meets Zach’s family and tells him she loves him afterwards. Kaity meets Zach’s family and tells him she loves him afterwards. The only notable part comes when Zach’s dad (whom I believe is named Chap?) reveals that Zach almost died as a baby, which tickles something in my brain but unfortunately has been replaced with equally inane pieces of information like Kaity is a Scorpio and Jess’s favorite musical artist is Taylor Swift. Also, Zach’s mom keeps her Apple Watch strapped. You won’t catch her not being ready for a workout!

It’s time for Kaity’s final date, which is a hike in a national park. Clearly, no one told Kaity this, because she rolls up in white linen pants and sandals. (And no, I won’t be discussing Zach’s monstrosity of a shirt. He seems determined to not find love.) There’s a montage of Zach helping Kaity over a variety of large and small rocks, because again, she’s in sandals. I know the hems of those pants are absolutely covered in mud. During the night portion of the date, she reiterates that she’s in love with him, while he reiterates that he can’t decide between Kaity and her best friend. Just what every girl wants to hear days before their engagement.

Technically, it’s time for Gabi’s date, but The Bachelor has other plans! It’s time for Gabi’s Date: The Lost Audio Files. I was going to attempt to lip-read, but I actually turned my TV on and off a bunch of times because I assumed it was shitty Hoboken Wi-Fi messing with my viewing experience. From what I can tell, Gabi and Zach rode horses on the beach and Gabi said something like, “I’m scared of horses, just like I’m scared of being chosen second.” Poor Gabi, her worst fear is being neglected … aaaaand, that’s just what happened with this date. Hey, Jesse Palmer did say anything could happen on live television!

When we all finish collectively rolling around on the couch, Gabi’s date resumes. Again, Gabi is neglected, because the main focus of this date is actually her white claw clip, which has been traveling with us since the Bahamas. It keeps poking Zach in the chin. She can’t seem to figure out the correct way to lie down with it in. Stars, they’re just like us. Zach says he hasn’t chosen a winner yet, which sends Gabi into another spiral of self-doubt and tears. But two hours later, she’s all, “I was crazy back then!” She loves Zach again … just kidding. During their conversation, she holds back thinly veiled hatred, asking once again if he’s made a decision. Zach, who has sweated off an entire layer of powder, basically tells her, “DON’T RUSH ME!!! I’M JUST A BOY!!” and runs out of the room.

Back in the studio, it’s time for Sean Lowe’s fourth appearance of the season. What dirt does this man have on Jesse Palmer? Does he have an audio recording of his real voice, which isn’t actually as loud, booming, and dramatic as advertised? I thought I would skip this segment, but clearly Sean is pissed after being put in a cage all season and shipped from country to country, because he uses this time to flame Zach. Throughout this entire season, Zach had a bracelet that said “WWSLD?” and Sean basically confirms that he would have done the exact opposite. No, he wouldn’t have been so honest with Gabi and Kaity that he doesn’t know who to choose; no, he wouldn’t have slept with Gabi; and no, he wouldn’t have worn that pink-and-blue button-down, Zach, what the hell were you thinking? Even Jesse has to agree, taking this time to slip in a little “I told ya so” about the fantasy suite. Once again: Jesse fucks.

Jesse’s clearly run out of steam, because his intro to the most important segment of the night is literally, “Somebody’s about to get their heart broken. I was there, and it was sad.” OKAY, POETRY! We’re about to see who’s getting dumped, aaaaand … of course it’s Gabi. We knew this was coming. Apparently she did too, because the minute she steps out of the car in a shockingly yellow number, she lands in a puddle of mud and tells the driver, “When it actually matters and Kaity gets here, don’t do that to her.” Who tipped her off? Maybe the claw clip is actually a hidden camera. Actually, she quickly tells Jesse that no one tipped her off, she just has a gut feeling. Ooof. We’re all rolling around on the couch again, right?

In a seemingly abandoned boatyard, Zach tells her that they’ve had a great time together BUT — Gabi doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want to hear the “but.” Every time Zach tries to break up with her, she just says, “CAN YOU STOP TALKING?” Zach knew what was gonna happen here. He knew this would trigger an anxiety spiral for her, but he didn’t have the heart to break up with her before. On the other hand, Gabi knew going in this could be in the cards, but led herself to believe that they shared a connection that could overcome the bounds of reality television (that’s what they want you to think). She keeps asking questions, but not wanting to know the answers. In the car, she forgets her rule about saying “fudge” instead of “fuck.” She lets out a torrent of self-hatred punctuated by frequent swearing. Please, Gabi, it’s not you! You’re not the villain here! At this point, my friend Marissa texted me that the worst part is she’s “still wearing a deflated balloon on top of all this.” It’s tough to watch!

Back in the studio, Gabi’s in her Reputation Era dress. She tells Jesse that while she had a lot of self-doubt, she didn’t quite believe Zach would put her through all that torture just to not choose her. (I believe her, since her mascara was definitely not waterproof.) When Zach comes out, her lips are the thinnest they’ve ever been. But here’s where she drops the bomb: During the fantasy suites, Zach told her that their lovemaking would stay between them. NO. And you thought we were done? This is a Gale Hawthorne two-round bomb: She didn’t even realize he’d told all of Bachelor Nation until she watched it on national television. NOOOOOOO. Even Jesse knows there’s no way that Zach can make up for this, telling him, “It’s national television, there’s not a lot of time!” Zach mutters some gibberish and gets off stage. Poor Gabi. She thought she was the chosen one, but she was actually just a meter for Zach’s horniness. She thought her edit would include conversations about therapy and mental health, but it actually just included gratuitous shots of Zach’s nipples. The rewards for going on The Bachelor are lower than ever, and this exemplifies it perfectly: Now, all Gabi has is a broken heart, a public narrative about her sex life, and one Jesse Palmer promising that she’ll find the love of her life “soon.” At least she has some new Instagram followers?

Now we have to be happy for Zach and his new engagement. This is emotional whiplash. I’m scared for Kaity’s white dress in this mud. She’s wearing a claw clip to her engagement. Claw clips have won the season.

Zach finally gets to release everything he’s been holding back for six weeks: Kaity’s the one, she’s always been the one, he wants to spend his life with her. He hands her a Neil Lane rock that’s not inherently offensive, and they’re engaged! Ugh. I’m trying not to be, but I’m slightly charmed by this. Back in the studio, Kaity is wearing her own Eras Tour outfit. Zach confirms that he knew Kaity was the one on their final date, so … before Gabi asked about it. Got it. They reveal they’re moving in together in Austin, are planning a wedding for 2025 and are maybe thinking about “little ones.” Sean Lowe, you better watch your back.

Before we can give up this shenanigan altogether, Jesse shows us a brief preview of Charity’s season, which includes her brother showing up in disguise to suss out these men. I let out a sigh of relief. After an episode of real drama, it’s nice to have some contrived mess once again.

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